About once a year, something magical happens: Apple releases a new version of macOS. When this holy day rolls around, you have only one option and only one option: to make it as hard as possible for your computer.
Look, life is hard. Actually, life is more than hard, it’s brutal. Every day is a challenge more pressing than the last. So I ask you this…why should your computer have it so easy?
If I want to update mine life, it takes months, if not years, of hard work for some incremental change – but Apple thinks my computer should have an easy-to-install update on a regular basis? That’s not fair. That’s not fair at all. Humans are meant to be better than computers, not worse.
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To test the playing field, we’re going to share a list of helpful tips and tricks to make sure your Apple machine is totally unprepared for updating to the latest macOS. Beware Ventura lovers, we come for you.
Fill that hard drive to the brim
A common thread running through macOS updates is that they need space. All that optimization and those new features will definitely take up a few gigabytes. So how do you handle this?
Easy: fill your hard drive to the brim.
Download every single photo from your cloud storage. Duplicate them. triplicate. QUADRUPLE. Grab your phone and record as much video as you can in the highest quality you can – and save it all to your Mac machine. Show that SSD (or HDD if you’re old school) who’s boss.
Hell, download as many big games as you can – just fill your hard drive like it’s a paddling pool on a hot day. Let’s see how the installation package tries to update to the new version of macOS without anything to work with. That will show.
Backups are for losers
Just as you should never wear a helmet when riding a motorcycle, or always run while holding a sharp object, so should your computer. never be backed up. Frankly, it kind of hurts me to even write the word “backup.” Uh, there it is again. My skin is crawling.
Really, when you update to the new version of macOS, you should actually move all your most important files until the computer you’re upgrading — and delete them from elsewhere. After all, who needs more than one? Are you royal? Do you need two toasters? Two televisions? Two birth certificates? So why would you ever need two of the same file?
This method of never backing up data is especially effective if you’re updating to the beta version of macOS. And if your important files are lost in the process? Who cares – I forget things all the time. I am a human. It happens. Why should a computer remember everything?
Don’t keep those apps updated
I have a magic trick. Think of something expensive. something very expensive, historically speaking expensive. Like, the most expensive thing. Are you ready? Good.
I bet you’re imagining something old, right? TURN RIGHT? Well, even if you didn’t, I bet you really did and you’re just lying to yourself (and me). For shame.
Look, we all know that the most expensive things are old. I mean, that’s why antique stores exist. No one would go to them if they were filled with cheap cheap junk. The whole point is that all that useless stuff on the shelves is worth something because it’s old.
With this logic, the same goes for apps. That’s why you should never, ever update a little bit of software on your laptop because you’ll ruin the beautiful vintage you’ve been blessed with.
Instead, you want to use the most antique and boutique apps to really get the most value out of them. Oh, and did we forget to mention that it will make your computer’s life hard? People don’t get fresh new clothes every day – many of us have to keep using old phones, so your machine should too.
What if all these old apps crash when you update to the latest version of macOS? Good. Your computer will learn that.
Always open all apps
Here’s a little tip for you: When updating to the new version of macOS, open every app on your computer. You can think of it as a little workout in front of your computer, like trying it out at the gym.
But here’s the special part. When your computer finally completes its little update, it will have to open all those apps again.
This is similar to having a rough weekend and then being forced to do hill sprints. Your machine will slog and struggle. Take that, computer.
Refuse to connect your laptop during the update
If you’re upgrading your MacBook to the latest operating system, you’ll want to make sure you’re not giving the machine any power at all. Yes, your computer may tell you to plug it in when you want to start installing, but once that hurdle is passed, you’ll want to unplug that power cord ASAP.
We’ve previously talked about our goal of making updating to the latest macOS as difficult as possible for your computer, and this helps with that. Removing the power cord is a bit like having athletes wear those masks that make it hard to breathe. And since your MacBook doesn’t even need oxygen to survive, this should help show it what life is like as a human.
If you can manage to drain your MacBook’s battery before the update is complete, that’s perfect. If an update is interrupted, you have a good chance that macOS will be completely broken.
You know, just like me. And most other people.
There you have it, folks! We hope you enjoyed this selection of tips that show your computer how hard life is as a human.
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