Got a brand new MacBook? Perfect. Now is the time to completely screw up the battery, to make sure it only lasts a few minutes when you’re out and about. I mean, what’s the point of your laptop being portable? For me, no.

That’s why we’ve put together a handy guide that describes everything you need to do to drain your MacBook’s battery as quickly as possible. And yes, you are most welcome.

Make sure all your apps are always running

Answer me this: What’s the fastest way to access that piece of software you sometimes need? You guessed it right: never close it.

Every app on your laptop should always be open. Do you only use that piece of accounting software once a week? Keep it open. Making music once a year? Who cares, leaves Garageband ready to use 24 hours a day. Accidentally opened Outlook in 2012? It must remain active forever.

In fact, you also have to let Spotify play, even if you don’t want to listen to music, just turn off the volume. As I think about it, you probably just need to have videos constantly playing in the background. Who knows when you have the urge to spend a few seconds of The Simpsons.

And on the subject of apps…

Never, ever update your software

It is my firm belief that the first version of everything is perfect. Why spend time refining or revising when the thing already exists? It’s there. It is real. It can’t get any better than that — and the same goes for apps.

Who cares about ‘tweaks’, ‘improvements’ or ‘optimisations’? I’ll tell you: losers. Big old boring losers. And, friends, one thing we’re not: big, boring losers. We are winners.

Winners never update apps. Winners deliberately disable automatic software updates. Winners stay on a version of macOS so old that the terms and conditions are set in stone. Winners have MacBook batteries that are so dead you can barely turn on your computer before it shuts down. winners. winners. winners.

Unplug and unplug and plug in and plug back in.

Laptops today are made to be energy efficient and most modern MacBooks are made to manage and optimize charging to protect the battery.

But that sounds dull and boring.

I suggest that every time you charge your MacBook to 100%, wait for it to drop back to 99% – then plug it back in. And do this repeatedly. Again and again. Teach that laptop who owns who.

In this regard, another fantastic way to ruin your MacBook’s battery is to drain it completely. If you ever see a warning that your laptop is going to sleep because it’s running out of power, good. That’s what you want. Feed it all the way into the ground. Empty your computer like it’s a weak human, and you’re a thirsty vampire. It is the natural order of things.

Increase the brightness of your screen

Really, there shouldn’t even be an option to dim the screen on your MacBook. Instead, it should remain so clear that there is a risk of eye damage.

Ignore the elements, the time of day, whatever – your laptop should, no, should be clear enough to guide ships along rocky shores; it must be illuminated in such a way that it disrupts the migration patterns of the local fauna, it must be visible from space.

In fact, if possible, you should try to find some software that can turn your MacBook’s display brightness even higher than what Apple allows by default.

That shows your battery who’s boss.

Keep your volume up

While we’re on the subject of maxing out, take a look at how to drain your MacBook with the handy noise tool. Keep it loud. Pump it up. To the maximum. Always.

No matter where you are, your machine should be making enough noise to actually cause a public nuisance.

Use your MacBook as a device charger

In the future there will be only one gadget. The technology will be so advanced that a television, speakers, cellphone, headphones and even more will be in a single, glorious unit. We don’t have to wait for it though, we can bring the future to us today.

There is no reason why you, a person with such a refined taste to read this article, should carry both a laptop and an external battery pack. Instead, you should just ditch the latter and charge all your devices with your MacBook battery.

And whatever you do, don’t plug in your laptop while you’re squeezing your phone or earbuds or hair dryer or oven, make sure everything is running on that nice laptop battery.

Always leave your machine in direct sunlight

If you want to deteriorate your MacBook’s battery – and we all know that it does – then I recommend that you move your laptop so that it always in sunlight.

Try to imagine that your computer is like a cat. Every time the sun moves, you move. Follow the roasts and make sure your laptop’s sweet metal case is hot enough to fry an egg. Hell, try cooking on your machine.

There you have it! A selection of tips and tricks to help you drain your MacBook battery in record time. Good luck in your honorable quest. If you’re lucky, you’ll soon see something like this:

You can to download Clean up my MacX — an all-in-one app to keep your Mac clean, fast, and protected — to access the Menu app for free to check your battery and Mac health.