Got a brand new MacBook? Perfect. Now is the time to completely screw up the battery, to make sure it only lasts a few minutes when you’re out and about. I mean, what’s the point of your laptop being portable? For me, no.

That’s why we’ve put together a handy guide that describes everything you need to do to drain your MacBook’s battery as quickly as possible. And yes, you are most welcome.

Make sure all your apps are always running

Answer me this: What’s the fastest way to access that piece of software you sometimes need? You guessed it right: never close it.

Join AS in Valencia!

The heart of technology comes to the heart of the Mediterranean

Every app on your laptop should always be open. Do you only use that piece of accounting software once a week? Keep it open. Making music once a year? Who cares, leaves Garageband ready to use 24 hours a day. Accidentally opened Outlook in 2012? It must remain active forever.

In fact, you also have to let Spotify play, even if you don’t want to listen to music, just turn off the volume. As I think about it, you probably just need to have videos constantly playing in the background. Who knows when you have the urge to spend a few seconds of The Simpsons.

And on the subject of apps…

Never, ever update your software

It is my firm belief that the first version of everything is perfect. Why spend time refining or revising when the thing already exists? It’s there. It is real. It can’t get any better than that — and the same goes for apps.

Who cares about ‘tweaks’, ‘improvements’ or ‘optimisations’? I’ll tell you: losers. Big old boring losers. And, friends, one thing we’re not: big, boring losers. We are winners.

Winners never update apps. Winners deliberately disable automatic software updates. Winners stay on a version of macOS so old that the terms and conditions are set in stone. Winners have MacBook batteries that are so dead you can barely turn on your computer before it shuts down. winners. winners. winners.

Unplug and unplug and plug in and plug back in.

Laptops today are made to be energy efficient and most modern MacBooks are made to manage and optimize charging to protect the battery.

But that sounds dull and boring.

I suggest that every time you charge your MacBook to 100%, wait for it to drop back to 99% – then plug it back in. And do this repeatedly. Again and again. Teach that laptop who owns who.

In this regard, another fantastic way to ruin your MacBook’s battery is to drain it completely. If you ever see a warning that your laptop is going to sleep because it’s running out of power, good. That’s what you want. Feed it all the way into the ground. Empty your computer like it’s a weak human, and you’re a thirsty vampire. It is the natural order of things.