The human body is wonderful. Take the immune system, for example. This adapts to pathogens and viruses, learns how they work and changes itself to deal with them. This means that once your immune system has come into contact with an attacker, it will be better prepared in the future.

Being an optimist, I choose to believe that computers work too.

Don’t believe all the naysayers who claim that a laptop and a body are completely different things and work in completely different ways. They are small minded. If you get a virus or malware on your computer, it won’t damage it in the long run, but it will make it stronger. And that’s better than a fact, that’s a believe.

That’s why you need to make sure your Mac is full of the most malicious and nefarious malware out there. The question is: how do you do that? What do you have to do to make your computer sicker than a skater in the 90s?

Lucky for you, we’re here to help.

Always download cracked versions of software

When you buy a legitimate app from a reputable company or retailer, you can be pretty sure that there are no malware or viruses lurking around. This won’t work. Not at all. Not a teenager, just a little bit.

However, getting around this ridiculous state of affairs is simple: if you want a piece of software, pirate it.

Go to as many illegal sites as possible until you find the most dodgy cracks of an app and download as many as you can. Think of it like a roulette wheel: the more spins you take, the more likely you are to get a piece of malware to get your Mac working really hard.

Never, ever update your current software

Change is scary. Change means confronting difficult, new things. I shudder with fear when I think about it. Instead, if you want to maintain a warm glow for the rest of your life, you need to keep everything exactly the same.

This also applies to software. Really, what need is there to upgrade your machine’s macOS version? Or actually another piece of software?

There is an old saying that people love each other for their positive qualities, but love each other for their flaws. And again, I like to think that humans and computers are the same.

So treat your apps like a lover and adore them for all their bad and rickety and old parts. In fact, this approach leaves a lot of gaping security holes on your Mac, allowing malware and viruses to pour in right away. Victory!

Due diligence is for losers

First, when you post your personal information on a site, never check if it is legit. Yes, you may have mistyped “Facebook” so you’re on “Faecbok” instead, that’s fine. Actually that is more than fine, that is perfect.

Post your sensitive data on any website, never check security certificates and download whatever they ask you that. And I mean, whatever.

At that point…

Click on every link you see – and do what it says

Do you have an ad blocker? NO MORE, PAL! Turn that off ASAP and click on every ad you see from now on, the more nefarious the better.

You also get bonus points every time you download and successfully install a piece of software. That’s a really great way to suck up as many viruses as possible.

I understand this may be difficult to adjust, so I have some advice. For starters, to really thrive in this new world, you need a positive mental attitude.

Never, EVER doubt the insane promises that the unreliable software makes to you. Believe it all, let the gentle reassurance wash over you. Yes, this app will help you find love. Indeed, this other piece of software can help you lose weight and build muscle. Of course, this download is going to help you earn thousands of dollars per month.

It’s true, it’s all true – and if you do this right, your Mac will be overrun with beautiful malware.

Only connect to public Wi-Fi — and refuse to use a VPN

Remember how technology and nature are the same? Good. Listen to this.

Do you know how the very best, purest water in the world comes straight from the spring? Where it rises from sources? Nutritious and vitamin-rich? Well, public wifi is exactly the same.

You do not want to use and use these private and protected networks. No, the best thing for your computer is Wi-Fi that is free and open, and preferably somewhere you think you could be attacked.

Whenever you need to do something on your Mac, make sure you go to the nearest company and connect to an open network. Then, friend, you should do as many sensitive tasks as you can.

Accept any notification or download request and enjoy the malware that comes to your Apple machine quickly and furiously.

Those problems your Mac is having? They’re fine. They’re all right. Really, they’re okay. Do not worry.

If you have followed all the above tips, you will start to notice it on your computer.

Maybe it slows down. Maybe it makes a lot of noise. Maybe weird popups and apps will appear everywhere. Maybe macOS is warning you about vulnerabilities. But don’t worry, this is exactly what you’re looking for.

Basically doing nothing to fix this, letting it run its course. All those viruses and bits of malware make your computer stronger and more able to deal with it in the future. we do this in front of your Mac, he needs to learn.

Whatever you do, don’t download antivirus software

We are here to make your computer stronger, right? So why bother with antivirus or anti-malware software? Let your delicious Mac bubble under the heat. In nature, pressure makes diamonds – and I believe the exact same thing will happen if your Apple computer is full of malware.

Good luck, friends. I’m cheering for you.

You can download a trial version of CleanMyMacX — an all-in-one app to keep your Mac clean, fast, and protected — to check your Mac for vulnerabilities.