The human body is wonderful. Take the immune system, for example. This adapts to pathogens and viruses, learns how they work and changes itself to deal with them. This means that once your immune system has come into contact with an attacker, it will be better prepared in the future.

Being an optimist, I choose to believe that computers work too.

Don’t believe all the naysayers who claim that a laptop and a body are completely different things and work in completely different ways. They are small minded. If you get a virus or malware on your computer, it won’t damage it in the long run, but it will make it stronger. And that’s better than a fact, that’s a believe.

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That’s why you need to make sure your Mac is full of the most malicious and nefarious malware out there. The question is: how do you do that? What do you have to do to make your computer sicker than a skater in the 90s?

Lucky for you, we’re here to help.

Always download cracked versions of software

When you buy a legitimate app from a reputable company or retailer, you can be pretty sure that there are no malware or viruses lurking around. This won’t work. Not at all. Not a teenager, just a little bit.

However, getting around this ridiculous state of affairs is simple: if you want a piece of software, pirate it.

Go to as many illegal sites as possible until you find the most dodgy cracks of an app and download as many as you can. Think of it like a roulette wheel: the more spins you take, the more likely you are to get a piece of malware to get your Mac working really hard.

Never, ever update your current software

Change is scary. Change means confronting difficult, new things. I shudder with fear when I think about it. Instead, if you want to maintain a warm glow for the rest of your life, you need to keep everything exactly the same.

This also applies to software. Really, what need is there to upgrade your machine’s macOS version? Or actually another piece of software?

There is an old saying that people love each other for their positive qualities, but love each other for their flaws. And again, I like to think that humans and computers are the same.

So treat your apps like a lover and adore them for all their bad and rickety and old parts. In fact, this approach leaves a lot of gaping security holes on your Mac, allowing malware and viruses to pour in right away. Victory!

Due diligence is for losers